


Housekeeping

by Jude



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: For Science!, Gen, ghosts and politics, hazmat, journal editors, no retirement, no safety equipment, paper writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-07-26 22:35:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7592863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jude/pseuds/Jude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the end of the movie, the Ghostbusters deal with even MORE complicated problems: setting up their business.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"I'm sorry, Holtzmann," Abby said, patting the engineer on the shoulder as they watched workmen tearing the wall out of the corner of her laboratory. "Jennifer from the mayor's office said we needed to install a full set of laboratory safety equipment in all our labs or they wouldn't be able to get anyone to insure us."

"That was my favorite corner," Holtzmann said, grimacing as one of the workmen bumped into the edge of the giant cinema-display monitor she used for her CAD work. "We don't _really_ need a safety shower, do we?"

"Well," Abby said, glancing at Patty and Erin.

"Yes," Patty said.

"Yes, we do," Erin added.

"And an eyewash?" Holtzmann said, gesturing helplessly at the wall a little further along, where a plumber was running a branch off one of the waterpipes for the thing that looked a little like a water fountain on steroids.

"Remember the ectoplasm that got in Erin's eyes last week?" Abby said. "Because _someone_ wasn't wearing her eye protection while experimenting on that class 1?"

"I _was_ wearing eye protection," Erin said. "It was just _inadequate_ when something was that accurate with ecto-projection."

"Or the oily-ass smoke from that thing that exploded two days ago?" Patty said. "My eyes are _still_ stinging from that shit."

"And an extra concrete layer on the walls in the basement?" Holtzmann said. "We're losing close to forty square feet of space to that."

"Radiation containment is a cruel mistress," Abby said sympathetically.

"Come on, let's go for pizza," Erin said. "It'll just make us all sad to watch this."

Patty walked over, picked up the cinema display with one hand, unplugged it with the other, and carried it out with them. "We'll just stash this in your bedroom, Holtzy. Or do we need safety system installers in there too?"

"Nope, not at all!" Holtzmann said, a little too innocently.

\---

"I don't intend to retire," Holtzmann declared to the 401K guy as they all sat around the table that was strewn with forms and informational pamphlets .

The poor guy smiled feebly. He'd just finished an hour-long form-filling sessions with Kevin. Kevin had not a hair out of place, but this guy's tie was askew and his hair product was failing, with the result that he had enough hair standing on end that he could be a Bernie Sanders stuntdouble if his salt-and-pepper hair just went a little whiter. "I admire that intention, Doctor, but there's always the need to be prepared for surprises…"

"Oh, I like surprises," Holtzmann said with a grin, leaning back in her chair and putting both her feet on the table, on top of her forms. "That's why I expect I'll probably go up in a large poof before I'm forty."

401K dude looked appealingly at Abby, who shrugged and smiled. "We'll probably _all_ go up in a large poof sometime."

"Along with half of Manhattan," Patty groused as she paged through a mutual fund booklet. 

"Wait, I can only have _two_ beneficiaries?" Erin said as she filled out her form.

401K guy mopped his forehead with a handkerchief. "Perhaps if I leave the materials for you all to review…?"

"Oh, no," Holtzmann said, grinning and looking at him over her glasses. "I've changed my mind. I think it's best if we start this immediately. One never knows what _surprises_ might loom on the horizon."

As he sprinted out the door with his briefcase, shedding forms and brochures like a chicken in a thunderstorm, Abby leaned on her elbow on the table and gave Holtzmann an accusatory look. 

Holtzmann blinked. "It wasn't like that was a _threat_ , come _on_. I didn't get to show him my latest gun. _That_ might read as a threat."

Erin looked up, starting to hold her form out to 401K dude's empty chair. "Wait, where did he go? I wanted to ask why the city was only matching up to 3% instead of 6%."

"Because they're cheap fuckers, that's why," Patty said, dropping the booklet on the table. "The least they could do is give us the bennies they give MTA."

"No union for ghostbusting," Abby said, looking down at her half-completed form.

"Yet," Holtzmann said with a wicked grin.

\---

"You're kidding me," Abby said, staring at Jennifer Lynch, who was, yet again, inside her personal bubble with insincere smile and political machinations.

"I wish I were," Jennifer said, clasping her hands in front of her. "EPA officials just want to _talk_ to you about this little transporting hazardous waste across state lines issue. I'm _certain_ you can convince them that ghosts don't count as hazmat."

Erin drifted into the conversation from the other side of the office. "Of course they don't. Ectoplasm is hardly hazardous at all. Just unimaginably sticky and gross."

_As opposed to, say, our equipment, which I'm pretty sure qualifies as multiple unlicensed weapons of mass destruction,_ Abby thought. She said aloud, "Okay, that's the Feds, but why does Governor Christie's office want to talk to us?"

Jennifer laughed her especially grating "hearty" laugh, stopped laughing suddenly, gave her a hard, serious look, and said, "They're accusing you of stealing state artifacts."

"What?" Abby and Erin said in unison.

Jennifer grimaced and nodded. "Yep. Ghosts are now New Jersey historical artifacts, according to a resolution pushed through their state congress last week. By containing and removing that ghost from the courthouse in Newark, you stole one of their historic artifacts."

Abby gently banged her forehead into Erin's shoulder.

"Don't worry, though," Jennifer said, her artificial cheer restored. "The mayor's office is retaining a legal team for you. People who can handle any more inquiries from the Federal government or state historical issues. Oh, and we'll be bringing in a NAGPRA advisor for you to consult with as well."

The pair looked at each other, baffled by the acronym. Patty spoke up from where she'd been leaning against the doorjamb. "That'd be the Native American Graves Protection and Repatriation Act, y'all. It's illegal to traffic in human or cultural remains of Native Americans. Are we calling ghosts 'human remains' now?"

"That's… in discussion," Jennifer said. "But I think it's best if we head that one off at the pass. Maybe create a containment environment that Native Americans can curate and maintain themselves?"

"That would be a huge undertaking," Holtzmann said from the other side of the doorjamb. "And the containment facility is currently highly experimental."

"Yes, well, I think they'll _understand_ that this is a goal to be worked toward," Jennifer said nervously. Abby was always pleased to see that Holtzmann made pretty much everyone from the mayor's office jumpy.

Patty nodded, surveyed Erin's panicked countenance and Abby's uncertain one. "It's okay, y'all, I got this. I'll be the team liaison for this one."

Abby shot her a grateful look. _Social sciences and the humanities for the win._ She caught Jennifer giving Patty a similar look. Patty just inclined her head and said, "How about those requests I sent over last week?"

Jennifer looked like a deer in headlights for a moment, then said, "The requests from London and Barcelona?"

"Yup," Patty said. "I'm guessing that with all this Brexit bullshit, you're gonna have to talk to London separate from the EU."

"Well, yes," Jennifer said. "I'll just… consult with our staff member in charge of…"

"You shitcanned those requests, didn't you?" Patty said.

Jennifer deflated. "Yes. Yes, we did. We really don't have the resources to support you internationally right now…"

"Sounds like it's time for Mr. Mayor to get on the phone with Washington," Patty said. "Because we got four more international requests this week. And they're urgent. I'm guessing that if we don't respond, there'll be some international incidents, with some serious spectral evidence, if you catch my meaning."

"Well, _shit_ ," Jennifer said.


	2. Peer Review

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's amazing how much you can get published when millions witnessed the near-apocalypse you averted.

_Two Cases of Complete Psychokinetic Biological Inhabitation - A Brief Report  
Patricia Tolan, M.S., Jillian Holtzmann, Ph.D., Erin Gilbert, Ph.D., and Abigail L. Yates, Ph.D. _

_During the intense psychokinetic events that took place in New York City in March 2016, a number of individuals experienced various levels of psychokinetic biological inhabitation (colloquially known as "possession"); we had the opportunity to encounter and study two individuals who experienced total inhabitation by the same recently-deceased known free-floating Class VII wandering possessor both during and after their episodes._

Patty leaned back from her computer. "Y'all, I'm so sick of this damn paper right now, I could just heave the screen and all out the window."

"Just one more edit and you're done," Abby coaxed, coming to stand behind her and rub her tense shoulders. "Look, I'll even backseat edit for you."

Patty sighed and let Abby dig her fingers into the slabs of concrete that were her trapezoids for a few moments before trying to return her focus to the screen. She started to read it aloud as she went. _If I have to suffer, so does everyone else_ , she thought.

_Subject 1 was a 42-year-old white female in good physical condition. The entity targeted her specifically and entered the room in which she had taken shelter via the plumbing. She experienced the inhabitation as a facial psychokinetic impact, and was conscious for several minutes post-inhabitation. There was significant nasal and otic effusion of ectoplasm (for a full characterization of the organic and inorganic components of ectoplasm see Gilbert E, et al, 2016) as the entity synchronized its energies with those of her body. She then experienced projectile emesis as her mind and physical form resisted occupation by the psychokinetic entity (for fuller description of the interaction of psychokinetic entities and the body, see Yates A, et al, 2016), followed by partial amnesia and significant dissociation._

"Partial amnesia?" Holtzmann said, looking up from her lab bench. "You remember what happened?"

Abby grimaced. "Like I was watching television down a long tunnel. It sucked."

Erin gave Abby a sympathetic glance from her desk. "I can only imagine."

_Subject 1, under the control of the entity, then moved to a different room and reacted in an uncharacteristically violent fashion toward both physical objects and other humans in the space. She evinced greater strength than normal…_

"Really, Abby?" Holtzmann said. "You're pretty freakin' strong. The thing is, I don't think when you were swinging the pipe that you were doing an unusual amount of damage."

"Holtzy, she picked you up by the throat and straight-arm-carried you across the room and out the damn window," Patty said. "That looked pretty damn unusual to me."

Holtzmann hopped off her lab stool and walked over. "Come on, Abs, pick me up. Not by the neck, though, it took two weeks for the bruises to fade."

Abby stared at her for a moment, then stepped in close to put her arms around Holtz and lift her. The lift was, apparently to Erin and Patty, effortless. 

"Okay, that's great, but try it one-handed," Holtz said, patting Abby on the shoulders. "Use my belt. That's sturdy."

Abby set Holtz back down and rolled her eyes. "Are you kidding, Holtz? This isn't funny."

"I'm not trying to be funny," Holtzmann said, tucking her shirt out of the way of the thick leather belt that held up her trousers. "I'm trying to demonstrate that Rowan wasn't extra-strong in your body. He wasn't in Kevin's, after all."

"But he did that mid-air planking thing," Patty protested.

Abby sighed, shook her head, and took a grip on Holtzmann's belt. She half-heartedly tugged upward.

"No, she's right, Abby," Erin said, getting up and coming over. "You have to make a serious attempt at this. It's important to know whether inhabitation actually increases the body's strength or not."

Abby rolled her eyes, planted her feet firmly, and lifted Holtz several inches off the ground by her belt. One-handed.

Patty and Erin goggled. "Holeeeee shit," Patty said. "Remind me not to get into a fight with you, Abby."

Holtz grinned, lightly balancing herself with hands just touching Abby's shoulders, even as her legs dangled and the crotch of her trousers pulled tight. "I _told_ you! I think the planking _was_ Rowan's doing, totally, like the head-spinning, but I don't think he knew enough to enhance someone's strength."

"Yeah, that head-spinning thing, I had neck cramps for a week after that," Abby added, setting Holtzmann back down. "But that was nothing compared to getting the ectoplasm off."

Patty turned back to the keyboard, and started that sentence over.

_Subject 1, under the influence of the entity, then moved to a different room and reacted in an uncharacteristically violent fashion toward both physical objects and other humans in the space. She evinced her normal strength level, but also manifested levitation and body-altering effects. Upon being restrained, she received zygomatic percussion therapy from a bystander that terminated the inhabitation._

"I assume 'zygomatic percussion therapy' is the medical term for, 'slapped the shit out of her,'" Abby said, returning to her former occupation of massaging Patty's shoulders. 

Patty appreciated the massage even more now that she knew Abby was some kind of crazy superwoman. "I worked hard on that," she said defensively. "And I couldn't exactly say 'slapped the ghost out of her' now, could I?"

_Immediately after the inhabitation ended, Subject 1 experienced musculoskeletal pain and considerable nasogastric discomfort, and both persisted for several days. Long-term adverse effects on six-month follow-up appear to be limited to some loss of memory around the events, two incidents of night terrors (with no memory of the content), and six nightmares that were informed by memories from the entity._

Holtzmann and Erin stared at Abby, and Abby shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, yeah, so I've had some nightmares. What, you two didn't read this paper when Patty sent it out for all our reviews? This is the first time you're hearing this?"

Holtzmann abruptly turned to stripping wires and Erin winced and said, "Sorry."

"Y'all are _not_ filling me with confidence here," Patty said. "It's been twenty-five years since I wrote a scientific article and I was _counting_ on you people to fix this shit up."

"It's honestly really good," Erin said. "Keep reading, please?"

_Subject 2 was a 32-year-old white male in excellent physical condition. Immediately subsequent to exiting Subject 1, the entity inhabited Subject 2, entering from the crown of the head with less apparent psychokinetic impact than Subject 1 experienced. The entity was apparently more attuned to the physical form, and Subject 2 experienced neither the nasal and otic effusion nor the projectile emesis of ectoplasm. He experienced total amnesia from the moment of entry. The entity was able to make use of both Subject 2's motor memory and procedural memory to operate a motor vehicle that we ascertained the entity did not know how to operate pre-mortem._

"Cool!" Kevin said from the receptionist desk. "I understood that! He rode my motorcycle with my brain!"

The four women turned and stared at him. Patty said, after a moment, "You understood that?"

"Oh, sure," Kevin said, turning back to filing his nails. "Glad I didn't have the ectoplasm, that sounds gross, Abby."

The women all looked at each other, then shrugged.

_Subject 2 demonstrated more extensive levitation abilities, and the entity was able to extend its inhabitation to a large group of law enforcement personnel to induce synchronized motor behavior in all of them. Said motor behavior was not familiar to all affected individuals, and probably not familiar to the entity pre-mortem, so may have been projected from Subject 2's motor learning centers._

"Hey, Kevin, you've seen the video of the cops all dancing when Rowan made them, right?" Erin said.

"Yep," he said. "It was cool."

"Are those all dance moves you know?" she persisted.

"Oh, yeah," Kevin said, and there was a moment of possibly fond remembrance on his face, but then the phone rang and it was gone, replaced by his usual frown of trying to remember how to work the phone. As usual, he failed to answer it before it went to voicemail — possibly because Abby had disconnected his phone several weeks earlier.

_The entity voluntarily abandoned Subject 2's form to generate a corporeal manifestation. Short-term effects of the inhabitation on Subject 2 included disorientation and hunger. Long-term adverse effects are limited to complete amnesia for the duration of the inhabitation._

"He got off easy," Abby grumbled. "Not even a trace of ectoplasm on him except from that big wave that blew us all out the doors of the hotel."

_In summary, these cases demonstrate that short-term complete psychokinetic biological inhabitation of less than six hours demonstrate minimal long-term adverse effects on six-month follow-up. More intensive study of the effects of this form of psychokinetic manifestation on the human body is clearly and urgently indicated._

"Does that mean we should try to get someone possessed so we can study them?" Holtzmann said. "I could build a physical containment unit upstairs…"

"No!" Patty, Erin, and Abby all said simultaneously.

"Aw," Holtzmann said. "I was just getting the best ideas for it."

"I don't think the mayor's office would go for us having possessed people jail here," Abby said.

"It would be a _huge_ insurance liability," Erin said, who looked like just the idea was giving her a headache.

"But imagine the look on Jen's face," Holtzmann said with a grin. "Oooh, what happens if the mayor gets possessed? Maybe I better start on sketches for that containment unit."

Abby groaned and squeezed Patty's shoulders. "It's a good paper, Pats. Send it back to the editor."

"I can't believe you found a sympathetic editor _and_ peer reviewers for this," Erin said, walking back to her desk and rifling through a drawer in search of ibuprofen.

"It's the Patty charm," Patty said. She skimmed the references briefly, then saved the file and brought up her email app. "Also, the journal's here in the city, and the editor got chased through the subway by ghost rats for a few hours. I'm pretty sure he's a believer."

**Author's Note:**

> I may add more chapters to this as more issues that they'd need to deal with occur to me. Who knows?


End file.
